Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Dicks are not precious.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
