Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
