Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I think I sprained my soul last night
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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