She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
