the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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