hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
