You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
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