Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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