I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
