i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
