apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
