so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
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