Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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