That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
