his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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