I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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