Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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