Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
