i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
