I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
