Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
