How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
