I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
