My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
