Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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