I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
no, he came in my armpit
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
