Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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