So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize