Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
