The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
