True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Randomize
