I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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