Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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