my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
