i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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