I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
