After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
