Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
