No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
