I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
