am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
