for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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