normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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