When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
