as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
