Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
