Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
