why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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