I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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