soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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