literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Mom said you looked used
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
