so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Oh god it's open bar.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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