this boner is exhausting
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
