your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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