if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
